Madeleine Kelsey Light and Shadow

Full Moon in January

A few days ago, I was deeply depressed.

I felt like my life had no meaning. I felt suddenly old. Weak. Uninspired. Pointless.

I felt like I had forgotten everything that I used to know. And I was just this zombie going through the motions.

But little by little, I started to thaw. And feel inspiration again. To make a decision. Any decision. To commit to anything. And work harder. And take better care of myself. Because I had this idea in my head…

Wow. Oh wow! It’s a full moon right now as I’m writing this! Oh that’s perfect. Of course it is. Perfect. Oh, it’s gorgeous. Like magic. I wish you could see it.

Anyway, I had this idea in my head that I had to go far away from my life to fix my life. That I had to change everything to change. When I started to let that idea go – and realized that that was an excuse to not change. An excuse to not work. That’s when I started to feel better.

I’m not perfect. There’s A LOT of things I want to change. There’s a lot that I’m unhappy about. And I still want to run away. I still want a new life. I still have that feeling that this isn’t the “right” life. Like I’m not in the right place.

But there’s a quote from Marianne Williamson about how foolish is this idea that we as humans have to come up with everything on our own. That we have to think of the right way to do everything, the right way to live our life. When in reality, it’s not up to us! Very little is up to us. And that’s good news for us control freaks.

I ended up here because of all my past experiences and teachers that led me here. Because of all the times I said yes and the times I said no. So of course I’m in the right place. For right now.

So – why doesn’t that feel better? Because that’s hard. That’s a really hard thing. To give up control of your life. To give up control of the idea of what your life should be.

Wow. The moon is totally covered by clouds now, you can’t see it at all. My god. Its disappeared completely. Like, I looked up at precisely the right second to see a beautiful full moon and if I had looked up earlier or later, I wouldn’t have seen that. And it might not come back now, but it doesn’t matter because I’ve already seen it and I know it’s there.

So. The next time I fall into depression, an anxiety riddled month when I feel like I have nothing good going on in my life and I feel like I’m not good enough for anything or anyone. I gotta remember this moment I just shared with the moon. Remembering that I saw it once and it’s real, just there under the surface. Even though for whatever reason I can’t see it right now, doesn’t mean it’s gone forever. That’s really hard to do. But that’s my lesson right now.

The moon still hasn’t come back. My work is to not be affected by that. To remember it’s just temporarily hidden by some clouds. And then let my dog try to cheer me up by licking my face.

* * *

All my love,